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You Don't Have Sexual Needs

Uncategorized Jun 08, 2020

Did you ever hear the one about the guy who died because his sexual needs weren't met?

“Here lies Joe. He passed away suddenly at home after not getting sex for two-and-a-half long years.”

Wait a second. You haven’t? Me neither.

I bet we never will.

Here are some things that people do die of:

  • Hypothermia
  • Lack of air
  • Starvation

This is because shelter, air, and food are needs. We can’t live without them. On the other hand, ‘sexual needs’ is a term made up over time, presumably by a man looking to justify his sexual demands.

Despite the text Hollywood plants on magazine covers in our checkout lines, the concept of having sexual ‘needs’ is not biblical. God will never tell you that you’ve got sexual needs because He’d be contradicting His word by doing so.

Sexual urges? A sex drive? Absolutely. The difference is subtle, but massively important.

Unfortunately, I’ve heard Christians in small groups and on stages use this term. I’m not mad at them - I used to say it in both settings myself. However, God gives instructions when it comes to our sexuality in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God...”

Isn’t it amazing that God is talking about our sanctification and goes right into talking about our sex drive? It’s because He knows the power that our sexual urges have and if we desire to control them, it’ll set us up for a kind of intimacy with the Lord lacking in the lives of those who give into urges whenever they arise.

For the single person, believing they have sexual needs puts them in an awkward spot if they want to live a life holy and honourable to the Lord, as the verses above instruct.

‘So God tells me to wait until marriage, but...I’m a red-blooded male with needs. What am I supposed to do?’

Hello masturbation, porn, hook-up apps, and a shame-filled life lived less passionately for the Lord.

God’s desire is that the single person would be excited about increasing intimacy with Jesus to control his urges in anticipation of what the Lord has for his future. In the meantime, the question is fair to ask:

“I know God is supposed to be my everything, but he can’t satisfy me sexually and he gave me a sex drive when I was 11. What do I do with this?”

When scripture says that “God is love,” it’s important to understand what that means. There are four types of love referred to in the Bible.

  • Agape is unconditional love
  • Phileo is the ‘I-love-you-like-a-brother kind of love friends or brothers share
  • Storge is an affectionate love between family members
  • Eros is a romantic love

God says that He loves us unconditionally, as a best friend, as a Father, and as our bridegroom. He is all four loves including eros.

His eros love for us looks like Him bringing peace to our soul and bodies when we feel urges. It is Him teaching you that sexual release is about feeling satisfied, connected, and peace more than it is about orgasms - and He wants to be the provider of those things. He’ll get you through the moment if you seek His face every time urges arise.

For the married person, the conversation around sexual needs is often even more damaging. A husband approaches his wife thinking, “I’ve got needs,” and either gets satisfied by his wife out of duty and not love, or he doesn’t get what he wants and bitterly seeks out another avenue for sexual release. He subconsciously justifies his behaviour claiming to be a victim to both his body and his wife’s lack of interest.

God’s will for that marriage is that sex would be abundant and powerful with each spouse serving the other! He wants sexual urges to remind the husband to serve his wife throughout the day. She is his only outlet according to Biblical instruction, so it’s in his interest to make sure all of her needs are taken care of so she’d be willing to return the favour. But what if she still doesn’t get the hint once he’s done the dishes and brought home her favourite flowers? Well, he’s spent a day of his life making his wife feeling loved and putting his own desires last.

Holy.

Honourable.

This is what God calls us to. And God will honour us for it.

Allowing sexual urges to increase our intimacy with Jesus is both defensive and offensive. It defends us against slipping into addictions to porn and other vices, but it also propels us to advance the kingdom of God more powerfully than we would otherwise. Intimacy leads to fruit in our lives, both sexual and otherwise.

This is the life God has called us to and He will empower you to get there every step of the way! 

Matt

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